Once this decision is made, we are together with you, the owner, put in the uncomfortable situation of having to plan the death of what is effectively a family member. Once the decision is made, we tend to act quickly upon it as if there is an extended reason, whatever it may be, between making the decision and acting on it, you the owner can find this extremely stressful. We experience your immediate displays of grief even when the euthanasia has progressed so peacefully and smoothly (as most of them do) and I respond very positively to this. Expressing grief is so important as it means that you have accepted what has happened and can open up.

© Arielle Griffiths BVSc MRCVS

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The Stages of grief when your pet dies

Grief is an almost inevitable consequence of pet loss. Loving an animal is good for people and it is normal for you to experience intense sadness when your pet dies. Grief is the price we pay for love. I find the owners who suffer the most in the long term are those that try to remain strong or composed or those who stay busy after the death of their pet. They actually prolong the grieving process. Grieving takes at least one full year after a significant loss. The ultimate goal is growth from bereavement. The outcome is ideally more than just an acceptance of the loss, but an enhancement of such qualities as openness, empathy, wisdom, strength and finally joy.

There are definite phases of grieving and these are normal and healthy. Grief often begins with anticipated loss especially where your pet has had a long-term illness and euthanasia is inevitable. This is where you start the process of saying goodbye and you may start the process by feeling slightly detached.

Immediately after the death of your pet, you may often feel shock or denial - even if you knew it was about to happen. This is a normal process. The middle phases of grief involve emotional pain and suffering. You may find yourself having feelings of intense anger towards yourself, your vet or even your family. This too is normal and it should progress quite rapidly to the last phase of grief which is the recovery and final acceptance of the death of your pet.

There is often no clear beginning or clear end to the process. Each person grieves differently and you may find that you get stuck in one of the phases and skip others.

In your family, you may find that if there are differences in the way that each family member expresses their grief. It can occasionally lead to problems as it may be seen as a lack of understanding.

If an expression of grief is restricted, a true recovery is prolonged. If grief is freely expressed, healing time is greatly reduced.

© Arielle Griffiths BVSc MRCVS

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Grief in children and how to help your child when your pet dies

 

When an adult loses a much loved pet, grief is a normal healthy reaction. It progresses through very predictable stages that have been defined as denial, sadness, depression, guilt, anger, and finally relief or acceptance. The effect of grief and loss on children is less predictable and depends upon the child's age and life experiences.

Under Three Year Olds

Children who are under three years old have no understanding of death but react to the separation from their pet. They often consider it a form of sleep. They should be told that their pet has died and will not return. They often show no signs of grief as they imagine that their pet will wake up. The under three year olds should be reassured that the pet's failure to return is unrelated to anything the child may have said or done. Typically, a child in this age range will happily accept another pet in place of the deceased one.

Between 3 and 5 years

These children see death as a departure. Their pet may be considered to be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe and play. Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child views death as temporary. Children expect parents to 'mend' dead things at this age. They may also believe in magical concepts. Some children also see death as contagious and begin to fear that their own death or that of other loved ones is imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not likely.

Manifestations of grief often take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating and sleeping. This is best managed by talking to your child to get him to express his feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions.

Seven, Eight, and Nine Year Olds

The irreversibility of death becomes real to this age group. They begin to understand that everything will die but they may also associate death with darkness and violence. It is quite normal here for children to be curious about dead bodies and even suggest digging one up. Children have a shorter sadness span, grieve intensely and interrupt their grief with periods of acceptance and going out to play.

Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behaviour or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over-attentiveness, or clinging behaviour may be seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that these symptoms may not occur immediately but several weeks or months later.

Ten and Eleven Year Olds

Children in this age range generally understand death as natural, inevitable, and universal. Consequently, these children often react to death in a manner very similar to adults.

Adolescents

Although this age group also reacts similarly to adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial. This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display. Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere grief without any outward manifestations. It is important to encourage adolescents to discuss their feelings about death. They may fear death's unpredictability and may feel responsible for an animal's death.

Young Adults

Loss of a pet can be particularly difficult at this age, especially if the pet has been a family member for many years. Some psychologists say that a child who experiences grief in the context of a loving family gains preparation for many difficult life situations. Young adults need the same opportunities to voice their feelings as any of the other age groups.

Helping your child

The loss of your family pet is often the very first encounter that a child has with death. How we support our children, cope with the death ourselves, and mark the pet's death will shape our children's attitude to death and their ability to cope with bereavement in later life. It is recommended that children under 12 do NOT watch euthanasias. They may fear injections and anaesthesias later in life.

Professional bereavement counsellours are available in most cities. Do not be afraid to seek professional advice if you have questions about the experience of grief and pet loss. The normal balance in a family can be so disrupted that, occasionally, it is helpful to ask for outside assistance. A young child needs to know a definition and cause of death , such as 'Milly died because her heart could not keep working and she was very old for a big dog'. The grieving child needs to know that it is normal to feel anger, sadness and even guilt. Do not lie as a parent about your pet's death. If a child discovered that a parent lied about such an important subject, trust in you as a parent may be shattered.

When trying to understand the death of their pet, your child may turn to you and ask ' Will you die?'. An honest but reassuring answer is "Yes, but not for a long time".

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What happens to my pet when it has died?

You may have a pet who has recently died or know of someone who has recently lost a pet. This article will hopefully shed some light on such a devastating topic. It is a very sad fact that in our lifetime we will own many pets because of their comparatively short lifespan. We put it at the back of our minds, but one day we will either have to make the traumatic decision to end our pet's life due to illness or old age as they are our responsibility right to the end, or we all hope that one day they will die peacefully at home in their sleep. The third scenario is one we all dread too and that is the tragic loss of ones pet in an accident.

Clients are never sure when their first pet passes away, what happens next. The decision is yours to make. You can either take your dog home for burial in the garden, choose to leave it at the surgery for cremation, choose a private cremation or choose a pet cemetery.

Once this choice is made, we will wrap your pet in a towel or blanket (or little blue roll if it is a hamster) and place them back in their box for you to take out. Distraught owners are taken out through the back away from inquisitive onlookers in the waiting room. If you carry your pet out, be warned that bowels and bladders may open in recently dead animals and some vets may offer a plastic bin liner or you may bring your own insulated blanket to place your pet on to avoid leaking all over you or your car. Horrible harsh realities but clients are usually so distraught that these minor inconveniences are often overlooked.

 

© Arielle Griffiths BVSc MRCVS

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